Tried calling the Tinnitus Hotline last night...

A sweeper agent.

They were both in terrific condition, working their farm every day and having the bodies of much younger people. One day, a visitor to the village, curious about the couple, approached the old man at his farm. The old man was cutting wood without a shirt on, sweat glistening on a body that seemed to belong to a man half his age. The visitor introduced himself and asked the old man: "I hear you are 102!" "That's correct." said the old man with a smile. "Wow, I must say, you look in amazing shape!" "Thank you." Said the old man humbly. "Do you mind if I ask - how am I this healthy at my age?" finished the old man, "Help me carry this wood back home and I'll tell you." The visitor agreed and they make their way inside. "You see," said the old man, "I've been married for 75 years. Now, when we got married, I made a little arrangement with the wife. Every time we have an argument, the loser of said argument must run for 5 km. Seeing as we have a pretty typical marriage, I've been running 5 km almost every day for 75 years! That's why I'm in the great shape I am." "But if that's the case," said the puzzled visitor, "How come your wife is in such great shape too?" "Well," smiled the old man, "She usually runs after me to make sure I finish the whole 5."

He looks at the bartender and says, “give me some of the good stuff that makes me feel better.” The bartender looks at the cannibal and replies, “barbiturate?”

An engineer dies and goes to hell. The devil tells him that due to his sins, he will be cast into the deepest hell for eternity. The problems begin immediately upon his arrival. He constantly finds problems with the construction of Hell's many pits and works his way up to the accounting department by torturing as many souls as possible (mainly because the levels of hell they inhabited were not up to code) then immediately begins to assess the pits and structures in hell, finds that they are not at the code and fines the devil for every violation. Considering there are seven levels with billions upon billions of structures including the city of dis, the devil quickly begins to lose money and the bank is poised to foreclose on hell and throw him out. The devil slowly begins to realize that he's not the one in control and the one he sent to hell is actually making his life a living hell so he secretly meets with God and tells him that he will hand the man over because he's bleeding cash. they agree to do it the next day and to the devil's surprise, the man can hardly wait to be free of hell because there are so many code violations that he's run out of souls to murder, having cleared all seven levels of both demons and prisoners. He gladly enters heaven only for God to come to Satan the next day begging to take him back. Satan says " I fail to see what the problem is, after all he has a reputation for perfection" God looks at him with anger in his eyes and tells him: "that's precisely the problem, he convinced me, ME! That I wasn't perfect and worse, used the Bible to get his point across. He's the new God and now nobody can get into heaven because apparently they're not up to code and the code has to be perfect. I need a f****** drink" "I'm afraid that's not going to work, his twin is working as a bartender and perfection is a requirement to drink there" God: *grabs a minigun* "Nothing's going to keep me from my f****** vodka"

https://imgur.com/gallery/jSmuvL8

Speedstick.

Hog’n dawgs.

My freshman daughter is making a time capsule as a project that will be opened at the end of her senior year. Today she is driving to school with her learners permit while I read the best of this forum to us. Give your best Dad Jokes that I can leave in the capsule.

Because they have little patients for tiny margins. (I really despise myself right now)